How To Talk To Women On Dating Apps Without Seeming Like a Massive Wanker
Hello. Look, it's a bad headline, but I just wanted to get you here. Let's head on over to a contrived Q&A format for why.
Question: Ok, so can you help me pick up chicks?
Answer: No.
Q: But aren't you a stud muffin?
A: Stud muffin?
Q: Yeah, you know like a man who bangs lots of chicks.
A: I know what it means, I just don't think I've heard it since the eighties.
Q: Ok, so I'm old, leave me alone.
A: Hard relate. No, I am not a stud muffin.
Q: So what are you going to talk about?
A: I just want to cover some very basic tips when it comes to talking to women on dating apps.
Q: Surely men don't need to be mansplained something so simple?
A: You would think, but you've called women "chicks" twice in this fictional exchange.
Q: Oh damn. Ok, but you're one of the top male porn writers with the initials JMS in all of the south of England. I bet you get bloody hundreds of app likes.
A: I get hardly any
Q: Really?
A: Promise. A tumbleweed would represent a spike in traffic.
Q: Then who the fuck are you to to lecture us on the way to talk to women on dating app?
A: No one. Advice has been much better packaged and presented by GOTN and you can read it here and here and here.
Q: So why are you here?
A: GOTN thinks men won't take her advice seriously coming from a woman, so she wants me to weigh in as a bloke and maybe men might get the message.
Q: Huh. Men are pretty dumb.
A: They don't have to be. They've just been programmed by a misogynistic culture of pick-up artists and immediate sexual gratification.
Q: Not all men though.
A: I swear to god don't you even --
Q -- ah I was just fucking with you there. Ok, so how do I get a woman to call me Daddy?
A: Well, funny you should say that, because that kind of demonstrates what I mean. Daddy is a super charged word and had to be born out of trust and communication, just like dating, and...wait...did you just bring that up to promote my piece on Daddy which can be read here?
Q: You're welcome
A: You're growing on me.
Q: Ok, but do you do better than most? Why is she asking you?
A: When I do get a connection, I think maybe I have a sightly better success rate of meeting a person and us having a good time together.
Q: Ok, fine, so hit me, what am I doing wrong? I know women get loads of likes and I want to cut to the chase and get laid. How do I stand out?
A: The answer to that question may feel deeply unsatisfying because: maybe you won't. If you get permission to look at a woman's messages, take the opportunity. They don't just get loads of likes, they get a feeding frenzy of one liners and flame emojis across dating platforms and social media. You might never get seen and even if you do, you might not especially stand out. There are varied reasons for this and many of them are not in your control. By the time you've seen her profile she may be burned out on all the attention and the sheer weight of obligation to sort through them all means they need long breaks or just give up. And even if she does see you, you might not be her type, you might not be in the right location, you might be a Chelsea fan - dating isn't Deliveroo, - you're not entitled to attention and you can't just order a woman up.
Let the people who like find you, and then when you do get to talk to them, try and not be a dick.
Q: Are you sure that women aren't just stuck up, shallow, overly picky, and only care about height?
A: While women are just as entitled to physical preferences as you are, I swear to Christ that for most of them what's in your head is far more important than how far it measures from the ground.
Q: Hmm. 'Splainey, please.
A: Again, if you look at the chats, you will be shocked at how disinterested men are in the woman they are trying to impress. Men talk about what they like, why they like it, and why the woman should like it too. If she expresses why she doesn't like something, that becomes an invitation for them to double down and REALLY talk about why the woman should like it. It's like a one sided verbal masturbatory session, except at the end they wonder why the woman didn't come.
Q: But I thought women were really into passion? Why wouldn't they want me to explain to them how cool F1/stand up comedy/Star Wars is?
A: In my experience, women are VERY into passion, and they like to hear someone express it, but consider the weird contradiction of wanting them to to understand why you like something without caring about what she already likes herself. You might actually miss that she knows more about F1/stand up comedy, and Star Wars than you do,
Q: So I should ask questions?
A: Yes. YES. But not random pre-set questions. Try and marshal the conversation like you might with a friend. Follow up on hints. Create a safe environment to talk about stuff. You're proposing to create an intimate connection with this person, so make the environment for that feel welcoming and safe.
Q: Ah, so I can then talk about FUCKING?
A: If that's all your interested in, have nothing to say and listen to nothing, you'll be swiped back into oblivion where you belong.
Q: Ok ok, so I ask questions, listen to her interests - and tell her stuff that she could do better?
A: I almost don't want to ask this, but...what?
Q: Well, sometimes I want to compliment a woman, and tell her that she doesn't need that much make up in one of her photos, or she would look great with her hair down, or she has the wrong breed of dog, or that she's slept with too many men and it's time for her to settle down with someone like me. Because I'm a solid dude.
A: Jesus, no. Don't do ANY of that. Was that last one a joke?
Q: That's not showing an interest?
A: No, it's being an arsehole. You don't need to lecture a woman on choices she has made for herself. Imagine how *you'd* feel having a conversation that's just about what you're doing wrong? Instead of trying to match people to make them into something you want, just match with the ones you actually like.
Q: But you know it's a numbers game. I gots to play the odds. I have to take what I can get.
A: Did you just tee that so I could form some kind of conclusion and wrap this up?
Q: Yeah, I'm hungry and it's pizza time.
A: Finally, some common ground.
Ok, so I think broadly speaking, step one is to stop getting hung up on the lack of likes. Before the internet dwelled in our pockets there was no expectation of generating hundreds of possible leads a week. Swiping endlessly in the hope of a match - any match - will just breed incompatibility. You'll overlook the fact that the person isn't actually right for you and snatch at her with grubby scarcity-mindset fingers like it's supermarket sweep. It's inefficient, unattractive, and when it inevitably falls flat you'll blame her or society or app numbers rather than realise you were a dog chasing a car. Have more purpose and, honestly, have more self respect.
When you do get a match, don't blow it by being so desperate to escalate to a meeting or sex that you charge past all the stuff that forms a bond. Create a genuine connection just like you would a friend. Where do you have overlapping interests? Where do you diverge? If she's funny - LAUGH. Let your guard down, be curious (QUESTIONS) be attentive (FOLLOW UP QUESTIONS) and be vulnerable. Come up with more interesting phrases than "how was your day?" because her day was fine, thanks, but she's kind of tired and at least in part because everyone has asked her that.
Create running jokes. Call back to things that she mentioned and might have assumed you'd forgotten. Be consistent without being suffocating. If she doesn't message for a while, don't freak out or go passive aggressive, because I promise that you're not the most important thing she has going on right now.
And be cool with the fact that most of the time it won't work out. Humans are messy and complicated and contradictory and really fucking weird.
And so are you.
Dating is such a risk and it makes no sense. We reveal what we want from intimacy - both emotionally, and physically - and we do it to complete strangers. As a social experiment it is designed to deliver more wrecks then romance. It SHOULD. Romance SHOULD be hard to secure because when you find someone special who lines up with all your unique wants and needs, that should be valuable and a worthwhile pursuit. Very few of us are just on these things for a hook up so for the vast majority, we are looking for a little meaning, a little excitement, and a little companionship. Finding all those things in another human being is never going to be easy so in the meantime, be calm, patient, and respectful. Savour the giggles, the flirty little touches and the excitement at seeing her name pop up on your phone. Plan fun things to do and be nice about her friends and nerd up on the things she likes.
And if it doesn't work out, be kind if you're the one moving on and be gracious if she is. Everything that starts, ends so preserve the meaning in the middle.
This isn't running at the lunch bell, it's enjoying a long hike in the sun. When you don't have a destination you might as well enjoy the journey. A cliché, yes, because it's true.
Q: You're a soppy bastard aren't you
A: Yeah
Q: Pizza?
A: Pizza.
