I Am Not Dominant

I am not dominant. 

I'm just large. I take up too much space. I am in the way on the street, in the way on the tube, and in the way in the office. I am sorry you got stuck behind my melon head in the theatre but I can't slouch any more than this and now the impact of my legs against the chair is annoying the person in the row in front. 

One woman told me that a partner of hers who had a similar body type to me proudly marched around in the nude both before and after sex. She said that I try and get my underwear and t-shirt back on as soon as is politely possible. She's right. I do. I hate my body. It's overweight and it's hairy and it's not very pretty. It feels older than it is and even though it works so hard to keep me safe, I mistreat it and I ignore it when it asks for help. 

I am not dominant.

I am a tentpole though and there are so many ropes attached to me so I have to stay up and try and be resilient. People tell me to take a break and to look after myself and honestly what the fuck are they even talking about? If you rest a tentpole then the tent collapses and people get hurt and it's all my fault.  

I worry all the time. All the time. I worry that I have offended the people I love or that I have wasted their time and energy on me. I worry that I am not worthy of love and love sent to me is wasted. 

I am not dominant. 

I have a prodigious capacity for self loathing. When contained, it sabotages my thought processes and drives my sense of worth into the pit. When it's unshackled it acts like an overzealous guard dog, patrolling the perimeter of my life and bearing its teeth to all, because it's been trained to find danger so danger is all it can see. It creates distance between me and everyone who loves me. Ironically, I loathe my self loathing. I loathe how self pitying and self indulgent it is. 

I am not dominant. 

I am an average man. I have an average job. I am mediocrity, I am par, I am the bare minimum.

I'm fine. It's all just fine. This is how you will find me. Affable and inoffensive and so sorry I am in the way and don't worry, I have those ropes handled, hook a few extra if you need. I'm a good tentpole. It's all good.

This is how I exist most of the time.

Most of the time. But sometimes...

I am dominant. 

Few can find make me feel safe enough to change the gear in my brain but it's happened now and everything is different and you don't have much time to prepare. 

I am proud of my body. I am a giant bear of a man and my frame will block out all the light as I overwhelm you and fill the room. I am strong and sexy and hairy and you are right to worship me and claw at me and climb me like a fucking tree. I hope you have your safe word ready because I am going to crush you and break you and flood your cunt, mouth and asshole with cum. 

I'm going to hurl my whole body weight into you and you're going to take it because you're addicted to it and also because you have no choice. 

I am dominant. 

I am in your head. I have rewired your brain and there's nothing you wouldn't find sexy if you knew it would please me in some way. I can make you wet with a look or a phrase and when you're out with friends, messages from me can immediately set your heart racing and wonder if you can sneak away to fuck yourself in the bathroom for me. I've turned you into a pathetic and desperate little simp, craving my attention in any and all forms. You're learning so much about yourself with me, and you feel a constant tingle between your legs because you're property now. Your body is mine. I will spit on it and strike it and leave you with bruises that you'll wear for weeks. I get to decide what happens to it and I'll write "Daddy's little cum slut" on your thigh and send you off to work. 

I am dominant. 

You ask why I want control when my real life is so pressured and brings so much responsibility, but it's because with you, my chaotic little sub, I don't have to compromise. I can dominate you for my own pleasure and control everything in your realm. What a gift you've given me. What a surge of strength and self esteem. For a brief, maddeningly brief moment, I am deserving. I am a king. 

But. I am not dominant  

It doesn't last. The lie you tell me works like a spell for a little while but soon, normal service has to resume and I go back to being average. 

Until...

I am in a meeting and I check my phone and I see a picture of the bruise on your thigh. It's dark now, and it forms a perfect imprint of my bite mark. You've sent it to me with such excitement and pride. And I did that. That's my mark on my sub. And I wish I could tell everyone in this meeting the truth. I am not just a white collar corporate clone. I am not just affable and dependable. 

I am dominant.